Watch Out for Peggy!
by Mr. Semaj
Summary: After an accident, Peggy signs she and Hank up for contact lenses without Hank's permission. Meanwhile, a distraught Joseph is spending more time with John Redcorn, but a falling out with Peggy and Nancy prompts Peggy to reveal Nancy's longheld secret!
1. Chapter 1

**King of the Hill**

A Connie & Luanne Episode

"Watch Out for Peggy!"

Written by Mr. Semaj

**Act I**

**Scene I – Car Accident**

_Hank and Peggy are driving in the car._

**Hank**: "So I hear you're being promoted at the Arlen Bystander this week?"

**Peggy**: "Yep, Hank. I personally wrote the article you may have read in the newspaper. But I forged one of the rookie's names so I won't seem so conceited."

_Hank laughs nervously._

**Peggy**: "You know, the Arlen Bystander is lucky to have someone like me. I believe that most of the crime and unemployment rates are caused by not enough people reading the newspaper. But I got an aggressive advertising campaign ahead…"

_Peggy continues lecturing Hank, while neglecting to pay attention to the road._

**Peggy**: "…by the end of this year, Arlen Bystander will be driven right into the ground. Ho yeah!"

**Hank**: "Peggy, you've had some wild idea before, but I don't see how that could possibly work."

**Peggy**: "Oh Hank, you are never ever going to get anywhere with such a myopic demea—"

**Hank**: "LOOK OUT!! BWAAAAAHH!!!"

_The car stops suddenly, but hits a utility pole. The impact results in glass being shattered everywhere. _

**Scene II – Melancholy at the Park**

_At the park, it is a bright sunny afternoon. Connie & Luanne are swinging together on the swing sets._

_Joseph walks by sadly. The girls stop swinging._

**Connie**: "Joseph! What's wrong, Joseph?"

**Joseph**: "Nothing."

**Luanne**: "Do you want to talk about it?"

_Joseph walks over and sits on the empty swing between Luanne and Connie._

**Joseph**: "Do you ever think that something is not right in your life?"

**Luanne**: "What do you mean?"

**Joseph**: "I don't know why, but it seems Mr. Redcorn wants to spend a lot of time with me. He's not my real dad."

_Connie & Luanne look at each other nervously._

**Connie** _(nervously)_: "Um, no…of course not."

**Joseph**: "And Mom has been pressuring me to spend more time with Dad. I love my dad, but…do you think that he might be a bit of a screwball?"

_Silence._

_Luanne tries to hold back her laughing._

**Connie**: "Hey Joseph, sweetie, we're gonna go climb the oak tree for a bit. Wanna come?"

**Joseph** _(sighs)_: "Sure. I could use the work out."

_Connie and Luanne run over to the tree. Joseph walks nonchalantly._

**Scene III – Doctor's Diagnosis**

_Meanwhile, Hank and Peggy are escorted by an ambulance to the Arlen Medical Center._

**Doctor**: "Well, there were no injuries in the crash, thank God. But aside from the $3,000 in car damage, both of your glasses were destroyed.

A married couple with glasses. It's like you two are peas in a pod…in that aspect."

**Peggy **_(facing a potted palm)_: "What is your recommendation, Doc?"

**Doctor**: "My recommendation is for the two of you get new glasses as soon as possible, and think of how you're going to cover the costs from that accident."

**Peggy**: "Don't worry; I'm sure my husband didn't mean to distract me. He'll pay for everything."

_Hank makes an angry groan._

**Scene IV – Afterschool Quality Time**

_At the end of the next school day, the students leave Arlen High. Joseph sees dale waiting at the front stoop._

**Dale**: "Hey Joseph. What are you doing tonight?"

**Joseph**: "My homework. We got a kick-ass astronomy test this week."

**Dale**: "Wrong! You're going out with me for some ice cream.

And guess who's coming with?"

**Joseph**: "Lemme guess…John Redcorn?"

**Dale**: "Wrong! It's…

Wait, you're right. John Redcorn!"

**Joseph** _(unenthusiastically to himself)_: "Yipee.."

**Scene V – New Prescription**

_At the optometrist, Hank and Peggy talk to their eye doctor about new prescriptions._

**Optometrist**: "You two were among the lucky ones. Do you two know how many injuries each year are caused by broken glasses?"

**Hank**: "Are you going to give us a stronger pair of glasses? Maybe stronger frames or lenses?"

**Optometrist**: "Well Mr. Hill, I'd personally hate to see such a fine gentleman as yourself risk another eye injury. I suggest you try contact lenses."

**Hank & Peggy**: "Contact lenses?"

**Optometrist**: "Echo, echo, echo…

Look, you just clean them before you place them on your eyeballs, and clean them once every six hours. It's quite simple."

**Hank**: "Uh, no offense, but I think I'd be better off risking broken glasses than have my eyes itchy all day."

**Optometrist**: "Well, suit yourself, but it's not like you can afford laser eye surgery at this point."

**Hank**: "Don't think that I want to."

_While Hank has his back turned, Peggy removes the contact lenses pamphlet from the waste basket. She makes a devious look on her face…_

_One week later, Hank and Peggy go to pick up their new prescriptions._

**Optometrist**: "Okay Mr. and Mrs. Hill, here are your new contacts." _(He hands them their prescriptions.)_

**Hank**: "Contacts? But I specifically stated that I'm not interested!"

**Optometrist**: "Well Mr. Hill, I have here the documents showing that you and your wife agreed to purchase two pairs of contacts. And it has your signature…in your handwriting."

**Hank**: "What?! How is that even possible?"

**Peggy** _(in her mind)_: "Thank you, Microsoft Word."

**Optometrist**: "Well, it's too late to do anything at this point. They were already half paid with your credit card too."

**Hank**: "Peggy, did you--"

**Peggy**: "Of course not, Hank. I'm insulted you would even think it. Besides, you tend to forget at least one thing when you're dealing with so many things at the same time."

**Hank**: "But--"

**Optometrist**: "Look, it's no big deal. Just try them out for ten days, and if you don't like them, we will cancel any future subscriptions, and switch straight back to your frames. Of course, I still think laser surgery would be a good option for you two."

**Hank**: "No."

_Later, Peggy and Minh are sitting at the table over a cup of tea._

**Peggy**: "So, how do you like my new contacts?"

**Minh**: "You look younger than you normally do?"

**Peggy**: "What does that mean?"

**Minh**: "Never mind. You look fine."

**Peggy**: "I know. I got the blue contacts, because I believe blue symbolizes purity and reliability. I'm the most reliable person I know."

**Minh**: "Whatever." _(sips coffee)_

**Peggy**: "I wonder how Hank is doing with his contacts."

_Out in the alley, Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale keep quiet while they notice Hank's new contact lenses._

**Bill**: "So Hank, what color are your lenses?"

**Hank**: "I wanted brown, to match my own eye color, but they were all out."

**Bill**: "What color are they now?"

**Hank** _(sighs)_: Gray.

_Brief silence._

_Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale all laugh out loud._

**Dale**: "The tears of a clown!"

_As the men continue laughing, Hank just walks away._

**Hank** _(muttering under his breath)_: "Jackasses."

**Scene VI – Where's Joseph?**

_After school, Connie rings the doorbell at the Gribbles' house._

**Connie**: "Hi, Mrs. Gribble. Is Joseph home?"

**Nancy**: "No. No he's not, Sug."

**Connie**: "Do you know when he will be back?"

**Nancy**: "He will be back as soon as you see that he's back. In the meantime, he's spending time with Mr. Gribble, because he's his real dad. He's his real dad! His real dad! Do you hear me Sug?!"

**Connie**: "Sure. But I--"

_Nancy slams the door. Connie scratches her head._

**Scene VII – Trouble with Contacts**

_The next day at Strickland Propane, Hank tries to make some sales with his new look._

**Hank**: "These grills require only 72 ounce tanks, and are guaranteed an easy step-by-step operation system."

_The couple looks questioningly at Hank._

**Woman**: "Your eyes…"

**Man**: "They're so…gray."

**Hank**: "Yes, I know. They're my contacts."

**Woman**: "Of course. Actually, we're not interested in a grill right now."

_The couple exits the building._

**Hank** _(to himself)_: "That was the fourth time today."

_The other employees start snickering behind Hank's back._

**Buck**: "What seems to be the problem? Hank, what on Earth happened to your eyes?"

**Hank**: "It's my contacts, Sir. My wife got them without my permission, and now I'm stuck with them."

**Buck**: "Just wear your frames, ol' top! The way you look, everybody will be playing the fool!"

_Hank groans._

_Later that day, Peggy is baking some cookies. While she is unloading the cookies from the oven, Hank walks into the kitchen._

**Hank**: "Peggy, can we talk?"

**Peggy**: "Sure, Hank."

**Hank**: "I don't think I like my contacts. Aside from the eye color, it's more of a pain to keep up with than my glasses."

**Peggy**: "On the contrary Hank, I've saved our lives from the next car crash you put us thru. If anything, you should be thanking me."

**Hank**: "Look, not only did I not cause the car crash, but—"

**Peggy**: "Men…they never take responsibility for anything."

_Peggy removes her oven mitts as she places the cookies onto a large cookie plate._

_Hank just leaves the kitchen feeling quite frustrated._

**Scene VIII – Lost My Joseph**

_As the group heads out to the van, Nancy calls Bobby inside for a moment._

_As Bobby is sitting in a chair, Nancy talks from behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders._

**Nancy**: "Bobby, Sug, just make sure you remain a loyal friend to Joseph as long as you can. You understand?"

**Bobby**: "Um, no problem, Mrs. Gribble."

_As Nancy speaks, some of her blonde hair swishes into Bobby's face._

**Nancy**: "Joseph may be awkward, unruly, and may secretly have an illegitimate father, but he's still my son, and I'll always love him.

**Bobby**: "Really, it's no problem. I--"

_Nancy walks in front of Bobby and gives him a big hug. Bobby's face is squished between Nancy's breasts._

**Nancy**: "Thank you Bobby for being Joseph's best friend."

_She gives him a big kiss on the forehead._

**Bobby** _(muffled)_: "NO!!!!!!!"

_That afternoon, Connie is waiting on the Hills' front stoop. Luanne's car pulls into the driveway. Luanne gets out of the car and to the front door._

**Luanne**: "Hi Connie? What's the matter?"

**Connie**: "I haven't seen much of Joseph lately."

**Luanne**: "I'm sure he'll be around soon. He's gotta beat this depression before it beats him."

**Connie**: "Yeah, I guess you're right. I hope he's turning out okay with Bobby, Mr. Gribble, and Mr. Redcorn."

_At the park, Bobby, Joseph, Dale, and John Redcorn spent some time together at the baseball diamond._

_Dale pitches the ball, and Bobby swings. The ball bunts to the right and past first base._

**Dale**: "Yee-haw! Look at that ball go!"

_Joseph takes Bobby's place at the batting base. John Redcorn takes Dale's place at the pitcher's mound._

**John**: "Okay, Joseph. You're up to bat."

**Joseph**: "Um, Mr. Redcorn. You're a cool dude and all, but if it's alright, I just want to play this round with Bobby."

**John**: "But I don't understand, Joseph. Are you not having a good time?"

**Joseph**: "Yeah. But I've just had a lot going on lately. I need time to think about stuff."

_John hangs his head._

**Dale**: "Well, looks like you and me, John."

**John**: "You go ahead, Dale. I need a moment alone."

**Dale**: "Okay. I'll be warming up in the meantime."

_Dale walks to the vacant part of the field. John looks over at Joseph and Bobby playing ball._

**John** _(to himself)_: "Son." _(sheds a tear)_

**(end of Act I)**


	2. Chapter 2

**King of the Hill**

A Connie & Luanne Episode

"Watch Out for Peggy!"

Written by Mr. Semaj

**Act II**

**Scene I – Home Alone**

_The next day, at home, Lucky packs a backpack and grabs a water bottle._

**Luanne**: "So, it's only for a day, right?"

**Lucky**: "Sure. I'm going out to explore me a bit of Mother Nature. I may be in early retirement, but who says a feller can't go out and enjoy it?"

**Luanne**: "I'll be here waiting for you."

**Lucky**: "You enjoy your day, Baby Doll." _(kisses Luanne)_

_Luanne smiles sweetly. Lucky leaves in his truck._

_Later that day, Connie spends time with Luanne after school. The girls are playing a game with action figures._

**Connie**: "And so, after we make it out of the asteroid belt, Cosmo journeys to the outer planets."

**Luanne**: "What's this big, orange ball up ahead?"

**Connie**: "Jupiter."

**Luanne** _(checking flashcard)_: "Correct!

But now, Quasimodo has to look out for the moons. How many moons does Jovial have?"

**Connie**: "Sixty-three."

**Luanne** _(checks flashcard)_: "Wrong! There's sixteen moons."

**Connie**: "I think the book is dated."

**Luanne**: "Nice try, Connie. But Quasi is gonna have to avoid these sixteen moons if he's gonna get to his prom date on Saturn."

_Luanne goes on a tangent and starts imitating a ship collision with the moons._

**Connie**: "Lu, this isn't supposed to help me study for my astronomy test!"

**Luanne**: "Sorry.

Up ahead is Saturn. How many moons does Saturn have?"

**Connie**: "Fifty-six."

**Luanne**: "Correct! And for the bonus round, name Saturn's major satellites."

**Connie**: "I prepared the names in mnemonics, though I can't remember how it went…"

_Luanne is sniffing._

**Connie**: "What is it, Luanne?"

**Luanne**: "Something smells good."

_Luanne scouts around the house until she approaches the kitchen. She spots a large batch of cookies on the counter. Connie follows closely behind._

**Luanne**: "Oh my God!"

**Connie**: "What are all these cookies for?"

**Luanne**: "I don't know…is there any milk left?"

_Connie checks the refrigerator._

**Connie**: "Plenty."

_Luanne starts eating some cookies._

**Connie**: "Um, Lu. I don't think we should be eating those."

**Luanne** _(with mouth full)_: "But they're good."

**Connie**: "I bet they are, but you're gonna get us int--"

_Luanne stuffs a cookie in Connie's mouth._

**Connie**: "Mmmm…"

_Connie puts the jug of milk on the counter, and starts eating cookies, too._

**Scene II – The Missing Cookies**

_An hour later, Peggy arrives home. Hank had arrived home half an hour earlier._

**Peggy**: "Honestly, if the people in line are going to take advantage of a sale, they need to check the dates on the coupon first."

_Peggy walks into the front door. Hank is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper._

**Peggy **_(to herself)_: "At least now we got the chocolate sprinkles we need."

_Peggy walks into the kitchen. There's a brief silence_.

**Peggy**: "Oh my God, WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF MY COOKIES?!

_(shouting)_ Hank! HANK! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!" _(voice echoes)_

_Hank walks into the kitchen._

**Hank**: "What?!"

**Peggy**: "Some greedy bastard ate all of my cookies! They are for my promotion party tomorrow!"

**Hank**: "Whoever ate them probably didn't know that."

**Peggy**: "Or maybe they did know, but wanted to sabotage me, because they can't handle my superior standings over... _(sudden pause)_

You! It was YOU, Hank!"

**Hank**: "Me?!"

**Peggy**: "That's right. You couldn't deal with the car crash or your contacts, so you tried to get back at me by ruining my reception at the Bystander!"

**Hank**: "I did no such thing! I don't even like chocolate chip cookies."

Peggy: "How else could've done it? Certainly not Bobby; he's been out with Joseph all day. "

**Hank**: "I don't know what the hell happened to your cookies, but I can't say you don't deserve it. You blame me for the car crash, and you buy us contacts without my permission, which I already told you was out of our budget. My contacts are causing my sales to go down. And now you're blaming me for stealing your cookies?"

**Peggy**: "Go ahead, Hank. You can keep blaming me for all your problems while you're sleeping on the couch tonight!"

_Hank's face boils red._

_Connie and Luanne are still playing together._

**Luanne**: "What is the name of the 'Planet X' discovered on March 15?"

**Connie**: Sednia.

**Luanne **_(checks flashcard)_: "Correct!

So then, where's Planets Y and Z?"

_Suddenly, the door crashes open._

**Hank**: "Luanne! What did you do with all those cookies?!"

_Connie and Luanne sit there innocently. Luanne had chocolate all over her mouth. She makes a small burp._

**Hank**: "Those cookies were for Peggy's reception! And now she's yelling at _me_!!"

**Luanne**: "I'm sorry, Unca Hank."

**Hank**: "'Sorry' isn't going to fix this! You're coming with me right now!!"

_Hank grabs Luanne by the ear, and pulls her out the room with him._

**Luanne**: "Aah! UNCA HANK!!!"

**Scene III – Take Her Back**

_That evening, at the Gribbles' home, Nancy had just finished polishing her toe nails. The door bell rings. Nancy answers it._

**Nancy**: "John."

**John**: "Nancy, I want you back."

**Nancy**: "John, we've been over this before. I can't."

**John**: "Please, Nancy. It's hard enough that I can't be with my son without him questioning my presence. I need someone to be with."

**Nancy**: "But what about all the other women you dated?"

**John**: "Nine out of ten of them, I never see again.

Come back to me, Nancy. All back messages will be on me."

**Nancy**: "I'm sorry, Sug. I'm sticking to my commitment, and that's the way it's gonna stay." _(closes door)_

_John walks away wiping the tars off his face.._

**Scene IV – Pity Party**

_That night, back at the Hill's home,_ _Luanne and Connie are sitting on the Hills' couch together._

**Luanne**: "I couldn't get the baking soda for the recipe, but I managed to bake all the cookies Aunt Peggy needed for her reception this evening."

**Connie**: "So she doesn't know that it was us?"

**Luanne**: "As far as she's concerned, it's still Unca Hank's fault. She still won't forgive him for the spat they had earlier.

But I just don't know what's up with her lately. She's more of a pain than she usually is."

**Connie**: "What a surprise."

**Luanne**: "But she's driving everybody nuts lately. Even Unca Hank is starting to lose it."

_Conversation from the kitchen._

**Hank**: "Bobby, I told you to wash the dishes and clean off the counter!"

**Bobby**: "But Dad, I didn't even do any cooking today."

**Hank**: "Now look what you did. You dropped a chocolate chip into Ladybird's dish. You're grounded!"

**Bobby **_(quivering)_: "Dad, please don't make me clean out the gutters out again."

**Hank**: "Get to it!"

_Bobby starts crying._

**Connie**: "And I don't think Mrs. Gribble likes me that much anymore. She won't let me hang out with Joseph anymore."

**Luanne**: "Maybe they're both having their p-e-r-i-o-d-s."

**Connie**: "Perhaps. But what could possibly be getting them so upset these days?"

_The back door opens. Nancy is crying and wiping tears off her face._

**Nancy **_(wailing)_: "I don't know what I'm going to do! This is driving me crazy!"

_The front door opens. Peggy is crying too._

**Peggy** _(wailing)_: "This is the worst day ever! Everybody is so damn stupid!"

**Nancy**: "Sug, John Redcorn gave up on dating, and he wants to take me back!"

**Peggy**: "Forget about John Freaking Redcorn! I was laid off from the Arlen Bystander today!"

_The distraught women continue crying as they slump on the couch. Peggy slumps on Luanne, and Nancy slumps on Connie._

**Nancy**: "I don't understand. I've been praying to God for forgiveness ever since I broke up with Big Johnny six years ago. Now, he's trying to blow my born-again purity to smithereens!"

**Peggy**: "They hired a new manager at the Bystander last week, and he hated the cookies I brought!"

_Tears of anguish begin dripping on the carpet. As Peggy and Nancy continue blubbering, Luanne and Connie struggle to get free from underneath the two women, but to no avail._

**Nancy**: "I'm totally lost, Sug! All the pressure is going to kill me!"

**Peggy** _(screaming)_: "I got fried from the Arlen Bystander! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!!"

**Nancy**: "Why are you yelling at me?!"

**Peggy**: "You never listen to me!!"

**Nancy**: "Can't you think of anybody besides yourself for once?!"

_The two women start crying louder. Their shrill screams shatter some glass in the living room._

_Hank and Bobby overhear the crying from the kitchen and cover their ears. They creep out the back door. Ladybird follows._

**Nancy**: "I should get a divorce, but I just don't have it in me. I love Dale and John so much."

**Peggy**: "I should've kept my job as a substitute teacher. At least I actually _had_ a job then!"

_The two women exchange more sobs. Luanne and Connie, both hopelessly squished beneath the blubbering women, shrug their shoulders._

**Scene V – Peggy and Nancy's Fallout**

_The next day, Bobby and Joseph walk home from school._

**Bobby**: "Maybe it's me, but something seems to be wrong with Mom these days. It can't be the contacts, though she and Dad look quite different with them."

**Joseph**: "You think _you_ got it bad? You probably already noticed how every time we spend time with Dad, Mr. Redcorn always joins us.

I just don't know what to do, Bobby. I really respect Mr. Redcorn, but I just don't understand why he always wants to hang out with _me_. All I know is that he's very close friends with my mom, but he's of no relation whatsoever."

**Bobby** _(uneasily)_: "Um……yeah."

**Joseph**: "My mom wants me, Dad, and Mr. Redcorn to 'bond', and we've done so much of _that_, that I haven't seen much of Connie outside school lately."

**Bobby**: "Yeah. Connie is one hot piece of ass."

**Joseph**: _(chuckles)_ "I know.

And all the time I spent with my dad has shown me how weird _he_ is."

**Bobby**: "Well, at least your dad is not high-strung."

**Joseph** _(imitating Hank)_: "I am severing the tree limbs as per instructed in the manual."

**Bobby** _(imitating Dale)_: "Nancy, the government is after me! AAH!!!"

_The boys share a laugh as they arrive home._

**Joseph**: "Yeah, both our dads are messed up."

**Bobby**: "Amazing they've stayed friends for so many years."

**Joseph**: "Well, see ya, Bobby."

**Bobby**: "See ya later, Joseph."

_Bobby walks into the door. The first thing he hears is Peggy shouting at Nancy over the phone. Then, he sees outside the window Nancy scolding Joseph for something unknown._

**Hank**: "Bobby…" _(Bobby goes to see what Hank is up to)_

_Connie and Luanne listen to the argument from Luanne's room._

**Luanne**: "Still no luck with Joseph?"

_Connie nods negatively._

**Peggy**: "After all the years we've known each other, you won't even help me find a new job?! Fine! See if I care about your stupid love triangle, you dumb blonde!" _(throws telephone receiver on the dialer, the whole phone drops on the floor)_

"That's it! I've had it with that wishy-washy bitch! I'm telling Dale Gribble and put an end to this charade once and for all!"

**Connie**: "My God, this is serious!"

**Luanne**: "Maybe we should warn Mrs. Gribble.

_(calls)_ Hey, Mrs. Gri--"

_Connie covers Luanne's mouth._

**Connie** _(whispering)_: "No, Lu. We can't let her know about this. Understand?"

_Luanne nods affirmatively._

**Bobby**: "Psst. Girls."

**Connie**: "Bobby?"

**Bobby** _(whispering)_: "Dad is holding a meeting at Strickland's tomorrow evening. Everyone's invited, but don't tell Mom."

**Connie & Luanne** _(whispers)_: "Okay."

**Peggy** _(bellowing)_: "BOBBY! GET IN HERE AND FINISH YOUR APPLE BROWN PEGGY!!!"

**Bobby** _(meekly)_: "Yipe." _(leaves room)_

**(end of Act II)**


	3. Chapter 3

**King of the Hill**

A Connie & Luanne Episode

"Watch Out for Peggy!"

Written by Mr. Semaj

**Act III**

**Scene I – The Town Assembly**

_The next day, Lucky sings as he heads home._

**Lucky**: "Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas, I married her last year,

As soon we meet again, we will talk over a beer…"

_When Lucky approaches the front door, a message is taped on it._

"Dear Lucky:

We're having a public meeting at Strickland Propane.

See you there.

-Luanne"

_Lucky can't figure out what it could be for, but goes back to his truck, and heads there anyway._

_A public forum is held at Strickland Propane without Peggy's knowledge. Everybody has a complaint about Peggy's abrasive behavior._

**Hank**: "Now-now, everybody calm down. I know Peggy can be rough sometimes, but there's no need for the shouting."

_The room falls silent, as everyone stares collectively at Hank._

_Reverend Stroup chuckles for a bit, then speaks up._

**Reverend Stroup**: "Hank, you seem to be gravelly underestimating the trouble your wife causes on everyone."

**Nancy**: "She yells at me when I'm in a poor mood!"

**Dale**: "She once kidnapped that kid from Mexico!"

**Lucky**: "She once ruined my chances of finishing high school, and nearly ruined my relationship with Lulu!"

_Everyone shares a complaint of the terrible things Peggy has done to them over the years. The collective rants last for three hours._

**Bobby**: "She once ruined my Thanksgiving turkey!"

**Boomhauer**: "She got dang ol' tied up with that coke head who pretended to be her student."

**Bill**: "She pretended to be a nun."

**Nancy**: "She nearly ruined Hank's football video over a technicality. It's Arlen_ite_, dammit. ARLENITE!!"

_The remaining complaints dissipate into moaning, crying, and grumbling._

_A frazzled Hank speaks up._

**Hank**: "Okay. I get it."

**Reverend Stroup**: "It's about time you did, Hank. If I wasn't so exhausted, I'd accuse you of being in a negligent marriage."

**Hank**: "_I get it._ There's got to be something we can do. Any ideas?"

**Dale**: "I say we kill her."

**Hank **_(firmly)_: "No one is getting killed."

**Bill**: "I was thinking more tars and feathers."

_As the group shouts suggestions, Luanne and Connie creep away._

**Luanne**: "This has gotten out of control!"

**Connie**: "You're telling me! How could they let Mrs. Hill get away with so much crap for so long?"

**Luanne**: "You're smart, Connie. Think of a solution that _doesn't_ involve physical torture."

_Connie thinks for a moment._

**Connie**: "I can't think of anything. But I know someone who can."

_Very soon, at the Souphanousinphones, Luanne and Connie explain their predicaments to Kahn and Minh, both of whom have stayed out of the arguments the whole time._

**Connie**: "So you see, Mom, Mrs. Gribble is one the verge of a breakdown, and Mrs. Hill has turned the whole neighborhood upside-down."

**Luanne**: "And if we don't do something, Mr. Gribble is going to get hurt very badly."

**Minh**: "Nothing doing. The last thing I want is to hear more of Peggy's narcissistic jabbering. You girls are on your own."

**Kahn**: "We want no part in this. All those redneck neighbors out there…fighting, yelling, pointing fingers at each other…just like old hillbilly movies.

Let them fight! Great entertainment."

_Brief pause._

_Luanne & Connie fall to their knees in front of Minh and start begging simultaneously._

**Luanne**: "Please, Mrs. Soup. You got to help us!"

**Connie**: "Please, Mommy! I can't take much more of this!"

**Luanne**: "Aunt Peggy said mean things about my Lucky!"

**Connie**: "Mrs. Hill has that evil look in her eyes!"

**Luanne**: "She keeps us up all night!"

**Connie**: "I want to see my Joseph again!"

**Luanne**: "We'll give you candy!"

**Minh**: "Alright, alright. I'll think of something.

But you girls owe me one."

**Luanne**: "We'll do anything. Just name it."

**Minh**: "Hmm…you, Luanne, clean our pool. And you, Khan Jr. mow the lawn. Both for a month."

**Khan**: "Don't stop there, Minh. We get the whole house and yard cleaned from top to bottom. We have our own personal maids."

**Minh**: "Yes."

_Khan and Minh share a laugh, while Luanne and Connie stare apprehensively at each other._

**Minh**: "Nah. Just do the pool and lawn. Got it?"

**Luanne & Connie**: "Got it."

**Minh**: "Okay, let's go."

**Scene II – The Showdown**

_Just as the meeting is about to adjourn, with no one knowing how to deal with Peggy, the door bursts open. It is Peggy._

**Hank**: "Peggy! Um, uh, we were just going over quarterly reviews from last month's sales…"

**Peggy**: "Spare me your lies!

I see what's happening. An old-fashioned intervention meeting. Well game over, heathens!"

_Crowd gasps appallingly._

**Reverend Stroup**: "Peggy Hill, How dare you!"

**Peggy**: "How dare I? You ain't heard _nothing_ yet!

Dale, I have something very important to tell you."

_Everyone freezes._

**Hank**: "Peggy, you can't--"

**Peggy**: "Stay out of this, Hank!

Nancy is not who she seems to be. Dale, she and John Redcorn have---"

_Before she can say anything else, the door bursts open again._

_Minh marches in bravely. Khan follows close behind._

_Luanne and Connie peek in on the conversation from behind the door._

**Minh**: "Alright Peggy Hillbilly, enough chat. It's time for a pop quiz."

**Peggy**: "How dare you! _I'm_ the educator here!_ I_ give the pop quizzes!"

**Minh**: "Blah blah blah. Just read here, Section F-5" _(tosses her the Arlen Bystander newspaper)_

**Peggy** _(reading)_: "How to Tell If You Are a Good Matriarchal Figure. A Ten Question Quiz Determining the Best Parents of Generation X."

_(to Minh)_: "I sure as hell am _not_ taking this! I know for a fact that I am a perfect mother/wife."

**Dale** _(mutters)_: "In a pig's eye."

**Peggy**: "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

**Minh**: "You're afraid."

**Peggy**: "Excuse me?"

**Minh**: "That's right, afraid that you will expose yourself for the hypocrite that you really are."

**Peggy**: "I am _not_ a hypocrite! You and Kahn--"

**Minh**: "BWAK BWAK! Big fat chicken! You squawk all day like Foghorn Leghorn! BWAK BAWK!"

**Peggy**: "That's it! You're on!"

_Minh pulls out a list of correct answers that she recorded on a notepad from having previously taken the quiz herself._

**Minh**: "Question #1: Do you have a good relationship with at least one of your own parents?"

**Peggy** _(uneasily)_: "Um, just my father."

**Minh**: "Okay." _(marks 10 points)_

"Question #2: How often do you listen to your spouse/life partner?"

_Hank interrupts Peggy just as she's about to answer._

**Hank**: "Not very often."

**Minh**: "Silence! No outside help!

Wait a minute…you didn't agree to wear contacts, did you Hank?"

**Hank**: "No way."

**Minh**: "Hank has told me repeatedly that he disapproves of contact lenses." _(marks zero points)_

**Peggy**: "What the fu—Hank, you're supposed to be on _my_ side!"

_Hank just crosses his arms and looks the other way._

**Minh**: "Question #3: Do you have a job in or out of the house?"

**Peggy**: "No."

_Minh marks down another zero._

_The quiz boils down to Question 10._

**Minh**: "Okay, Peggy. That's nine questions, and you only have forty points. Ready for your last question?"

**Peggy**: "Yes already!"

**Minh**: "Question #10: How is your overall self-esteem, as a parent, a spouse, a friend, and for yourself?"

**Peggy**: "I happen to have great self-esteem. Nobody makes Spaghetti and Meetballs or apple brown betty the way I do. That's why they're called SpaPeggy and Meetballs and Apple Brown Peggy."

**Minh**: "Oh brother.

Peggy, think about this. The last nine questions are what make up the correct answer for the last one. You have no job, you insecure about feet size, you're unfaithful to your husband, your son, and your friends. You got half the town in here calling for your head."

**Dale**: "There's still gonna be violence, right?"

**Minh**: "Also, the fact that you name two ordinary recipes, Spaghetti and Meetballs and Apple Brown Betty after yourself, and without a patent, shows that you think very low of yourself. So what if you had cooking problems with your mom? Don't make _your_ problems everybody else's." _(marks a big fat zero)_

"Total score: Forty points. Which states: 'You are in serious need of parental counseling, or any kind of therapy to make a better person of you and for your loved ones."

_Crowd murmurs in agreement. Connie and Luanne smiles together._

**Peggy**: "Come on! It's just a stupid newspaper quiz! Surely, nobody took this thing seriously?!"

**Kahn**: "My Minh scored a perfect one-hundred on that 'stupid newspaper quiz'!"

**Nancy**: "And I scored an eighty-five."

**Dale**: "Aw, no matter what the quiz proves, you'll always be my one-hundred points, Nancy."

**Nancy**: "Oh, Sug…"_(the two kiss)_

**Minh**: "And you, Peggy, must have missed today's headline in Section B-2."

_Peggy turns to B-2._

**Peggy** _(reading)_: "Recent survey states that ninety-nine percent of Arlen moms qualify as good parents. The one-percent is recommended to get parent counseling as soon as possible.

_(to everyone)_ "But that's crazy…I don't need counseling."

**Minh**: "I beg to differ. You, Peggy Hill, are your own worst enemy."

_Everyone applauds, as Peggy stands in the center of the ring mystified._

**Peggy**: "You stupid BITCH!!"

_Peggy yells and lunges toward Minh, and the two women fall to the floor. Peggy swings a sharp blow at Minh's right cheek, and the two begin scuffling. Connie and Luanne duck under the desk._

**Minh**: "Somebody stop her! She's gone insane!"

**Kahn**: "I save you, Minh!"

_Kahn rushes to rescue Minh. But while the women continue fighting, Peggy inadvertently punches Kahn in the guts. He flops to the floor._

_Dale dials his cell phone while the crowd shouts at the fight._

_In the struggle, both of Peggy's cracked lenses drop to the ground. Kahn tries to catch his breath._

_The police break the door down._

**Police officer 1**: "Freeze! What's going on here?"

**Joseph**: "Mrs. Hill has gone insane!"

**Bill**: "It's a massacre is what it is!"

**Minh**: "This crazy lady try to kill me!"

**Peggy**: "I'll do more than that when I'm through with you, Minh!!!"

_Peggy lifts her left arm. But the police officers arm their guns at her._

**Police officer 2**: "Put your hands in the air. You're under arrest for public assault."

_The officers cuff Peggy's wrists as Hank and Kahn help a wounded Minh up._

**Peggy**: "THIS IS NOT OVER, MINH!!! YOU HEAR ME, BITCH?!

And Dale, NANCY AND JOHN REDCORN --"

_Police officer 1 shoves a piece of industrial-sized tape over Peggy's mouth before she can say anything else._

**Police officer 2**: "Keep it to yourself, harpy."

_Peggy's screaming is muffled as her face turns red. She squirms and faces to Hank as if she's telling him to help her. _

_Hank just lowers his head in shame._

_Peggy continues squirming and making muffled cries as her eyes fill with tears. The officers escort her to the car. Bobby watches in horror as her mom leaves._

_The car leaves. The assembly at Strickland Propane breaks up._

_Luanne and Connie, having hidden behind a desk the whole time, both emerge cautiously._

**Lucky**: "You girls okay?"

**Connie**: "Yeah, we're fine. But that was some scary stuff!"

**Luanne**: "Poor Aunt Peggy. Well, at least it's all over."

**Minh**: "No it's not!"

You, Khan Jr., are grounded for disobeying me. I keep telling you to stay away from Peggy Hillbilly!

And you, Luanne, you not my daughter, but are still grounded for letting my daughter disobey me!

Come on, girls, let's go!"

_Minh grabs both Luanne and Connie by the ears as she walks them off to their punishment._

**Scene III –The Jailbird**

_Meanwhile, Peggy is sitting in jail._

**Peggy**: "I don't belong here. People can never appreciate my intelligence for what it is."

_Suddenly, some heavy breathing comes from Peggy's back. She turns around, and sees a large, gruff female. The inmate looks lustfully at Peggy._

**Peggy**_(echoing over a full moon)_: "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!!"

**Scene IV - The Resolution**

_The following week, the Saturday is a bright and sunny one. _

_At the Hills' house, Bobby is happily listening to music in his room. Hank has just gotten his new pair of glasses. He lets out a fresh sigh as he sees clearly through his new prescription. He then starts to pet Ladybird, who's sleeping on the couch._

_Over at the Souphanousinphones, Connie is mowing the lawn and Luanne is cleaning the swimming pool. Minh is sitting on the front lawn with a cast on her right wing._

_Connie turns off the mower momentarily. Luanne walks up to the lawn._

**Connie**: "Mom…I'm sorry again for what happened."

**Minh**: "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Start trimming those weeds!"

_Connie trots to the garage to grab a pair of shears. She is joined by Luanne, who stopped to get Minh a glass of pink lemonade._

**Connie** _(whispering)_: "How's it going?"

**Luanne** _(whispering)_: "I've had better days."

**Connie**: "Ah…Listen, I can't talk long. Got more yard work to do."

_Joseph and Lucky suddenly walk up._

**Joseph**: "Hey, dudes."

**Connie & Luanne**: "Shhh!"

**Joseph** _(whispering)_: "How's it goin'?"

**Connie**: "We've had better days." _(Luanne nods)_

"How are you doing?"

**Joseph**: "Excellent. Today, it's just me, my dad, and Lucky."

**Lucky** _(whispering)_: "Mr. Gribble is taking me and Joseph out for some baseball. See ya at home, cutie pie."

_Connie and Luanne wave goodbye as Joseph and Lucky leave._

**Luanne**: "Joseph is quite happy. You don't think he knows, do you?"

**Connie**: "Hopefully not for a long, long time. The important thing is that we saved Mr. and Mrs. Gribble's marriage."

**Scene – The Revelation**

_That evening, John Redcorn pays the Gribbles a visit. He rings the doorbell, and Nancy answers._

**Nancy**: "Yes?"

**John**: "Um…Hi, Nancy. I just came by to see if everything is okay."

**Nancy**: "I'm alright, John."

**John**: "I just didn't intend for this whole thing to get out of hand."

**Nancy**: "No, Sug, I'm the one who should be sorry. I take advantage of my husband's oblivion for fourteen years. What kind of wife am I?"

**John**: "Some wives never go back to their original commitments. Consider yourself lucky.

Listen, I must be going. From this moment forward, we're just acquaintances."

**Nancy**: "I wouldn't have it any other way, Sug." _(kisses John)_

_As John leaves, he and Nancy waves goodbye. Nancy shuts the door._

**Dale**: "Who was it?"

**Nancy**: "It was John."

**Dale**: "Really? Another migraine headache, I presume?"

**Nancy**: "Yeah, but I turned it down. I think I'll just start taking aromatherapy."

**Dale**: "Ah.

You know, Peggy seemed to know something about you two that I don't know.

You don't suppose…?"

_Dale looks questioningly at Nancy. _

_Nancy looks remorsefully at Dale. _

_Then, after a long pause, Dale lowers his head in disappointment._

**Nancy**: "I'm so, so sorry, Sug." _(starts to cry as Dale holds her)_

**Dale**: "It's okay, Nancy. Some things in this world are better left untold."

**(end of Act III)**

**The End**

**Tagline**

**Peggy**: "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!"


End file.
